btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
