you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
