I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
