we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
