just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
