Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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