i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
