i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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