I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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