just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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