He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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