just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
