do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
