I got her a Nickelback box set.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
