im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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