It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
