I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
