Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
