I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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