I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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