it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
