dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
