u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
