I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i believe in u and ur pee
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
