Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
