hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
