Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
