Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
