I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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