He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
