Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
