I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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