Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
