Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
