They should really pass out barf bags in church
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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