I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
