She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize