I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
