tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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