I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
