Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
