I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
