too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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