i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
