I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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