if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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