Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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