I just pynch a tree in the face
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
