please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
