I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
