remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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