Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I cannot find my penis.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
