Kiss
Puke
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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