New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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