Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You are the jesus of drinking
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
