my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Even my vagina gasped.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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