Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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