last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
