i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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