I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
