I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
